The Blended Family - Who's Rules Rule?

If you?re an avid #clothesetfreak you know that I use to be a NYC single mom of two and through a series of some crazy events I became a New Jersey, suburban mom of 5. My partner came into our relationship as a full time dad to 3 and it?s been quite an adventure since blending our families together over three years ago.

According to statistics from stepfamily.org, I?m not alone, almost 50% of marriages end in divorce and 1300 blended families form everyday. There are many moving parts in a family full of step-parents and siblings and many challenges to maintaining the right balance .

One of the biggest challenges come when household rules, like bedtime, meal time, and study time come into play. Each parent has their own very distinct and individual way of doing things. So the challenge is not just blending our children but all of our styles of parenting in a way that works for everyone. It?s possible, you just have to leave your ego out of it.

It?s not easy, there are plenty of frustrating moments for all of us (including the kids) but there are also plenty of times when things come together so beautifully it?s almost miraculous. Those are the moments we live for and the reason we work so hard to make it work. Here are some tried and true methods that work for us. The assumption is that you are on good speaking terms with the person you are sharing parenting responsibilities with and everyone gets along OK:

Talking really works

Don?t be afraid to challenge each other?s choices because good parenting requires that you think and re-think the methods in which you raise your kid. You should be able to say ?why did you let her stay up so late? and expect a reasonable answer. If the answer is unreasonable then have a talk.

Talk about your rules and your parenting styles, the similarities might surprise you. If there are many difference this is the time to work through them. If bedtime in your house is 7:00pm and 9:00pm there then 8:00pm seems like a reasonable compromise. If the issue isn?t so cut and dry as bedtime than commit to working together to find a suitable solution.

Enter into discussions with a spirit of cooperation. Be a team player because only by sticking together will you truly survive getting these kids safely to adulthood. If you still can?t find a reasonable resolution than seek out a mediator, therapist, pastor, or other third party person to help you negotiate the situation.

Agree to Disagree

I?m a huge advocate of learning how to pick and choose your battles. That?s difficult for someone as stubborn as me, I can be bossy and controlling, especially where my kids are concerned. A good example of this is the soda incident of 2005.

My daughter was almost four at the time and as a first time mom I was doing my best to be an all natural parent. So when my daughter came home one day and said she?d been drinking soda I was really outraged. I felt it was my duty to set him straight and it turned into this huge, ridiculous argument.

In the end, once I had some real perspective, what harm could an occasional glass of soda do? From there I learned to pick and choose my battles. Not every point has to be made and we can agree to disagree about how we eat in our own households. As long as it isn?t excessive or unhealthy.

Don?t parent separately

When you have a child with someone, parenting should happen together, whether you stay that way or not. Don?t make choices about your kid?s life without consulting each other. Don?t use your children to spite one another and don?t use your them as pawns, it?s really messed up for the kids. Work together, especially where school, hobbies, and health are concerned.

Having an inclusive and collaborative attitude means everyone feels OK even if they don?t get their way. It can be as simple as a quick call to give a heads up (?Hey little Timmy?s soccer schedule is changing, there?s some conflicts, should we take him out of this league??) or as in depth as a sit down (?Little Timmy is dealing with some bullies at school?).

Whatever it is the goal should always be to do what?s in the best interest of your children. You?re not always going to be in agreement as to what that is but that?s when you refer to #1 ? talk it out and then work it out.

Be open minded

At the end of the day an ex is an ex and it?s really hard not to revert to bringing out the worst in each other. Just let the past stay in the past and move forward. The thing about having a baby with someone is that you are now tied to them for the rest of your child?s life. At some point you have to just let it go because it?s really tough on kids when their parents don?t get along.

No matter what you think is happening, the reality is, your kids feel caught in the middle of it all even when you do your best not to put them in the middle. All that underlying tension and stress negatively impacts your child right into adulthood. Even If the relationship ended badly. Unless there was some kind of abuse, you have to find some way to put the negativity behind you. You don?t have to be best friends but you shouldn?t be worst enemies either.

So decide to put parenting first, leave your ego out of it and commit to raising the healthiest, happiest children possible because it?s totally worth it.

feature photo courtesy ContrarianEdge.com

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Source: http://intheclotheset.com/2012/08/blended-family-rules-rule/

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