Help me advise and support my partner who is worried sick about ...

Help me advise and support my partner who is worried sick about her aging, sick parents

I'm putting this out there for some advise from strangers, because I find myself rather paralysed as to how to help my partner, without being a totally selfish dick.

Background: her parents are 70 and in poor health. Her mother had a stroke at 40 which has left her with considerable disabilities. Her father has recently recovered fro prostrate cancer, which has left him weak ? a much diminished man. All this poor health is exacerbated by their very heavy drinking and smoking, which seems to be their only enjoyment in life. They have few friends and are pretty much housebound, with her father being the sole carer for her mother.

We live in London, a good 5 hours drive away from their home in Wales. Her brother lives in Scotland, which is a flight away, and her sister lives even further away in Germany. So there are no immediate relatives close by. Her sole Uncle ? her mother's brother ? also lives several hours away and is not known for his family responsibilities.

Back to the present, and her father's doctors have discovered a shadow on his lung. He has had a bad cough for several months which he has been ignoring. His biopsy is this week. Obviously everyone is thinking the worst, considering his 60 years of heavy smoking.

This potential news has sent the family into a spin ? with her mother, in particular, in sheer panic at the thought of being left alone. She's on the phone nightly crying, begging my partner to promise she won't end up in a home if her father dies, and in all honestly, if it IS lung cancer, I can't see that he has the strength or the will to fight it. It already feels like he has given up.

My partner just doesn't know what to do and I can see her making the leap to wanting to move back to Wales or have her mother move in with us. This thought horrifies me, if I'm honest. Her mother would need round the clock care, which we are not equipped to provide, with very busy work lives. I also think it would have a terrible impact on our relationship. I know this is utterly selfish, but I honestly don't think I, and we, could cope with that impact on our lives. He mother could live for another 20 years.

I don't know what to do, or what to say to my partner, who is desperate for someone to advise her what to do. I'm afraid to open my mouth, for I fear that anything I say will be totally selfish. Stepping back, I DO think having her move here would be no good for anyone, uprooting her mother from her small town to a big, scary city where she knows no one and i DO think she would be better staying in Wales, in a home where she would have a more social existence and proper care, but when I say this in my head I just feel selfish.

I realise this post makes me sound like I have written her father off as dead already, and I do keep saying we should wait for the results before going into full panic, but her parents are doing nothing to plan for the future and my parter needs someone to guide her.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm happy to hear any thoughts.

Source: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=667274

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